I must have been driving for 15 minutes before I started paying attention to the road. I know that you are supposed to be conscious and careful at all times but I didn’t exactly decide to start driving, it wasn’t a well thought-out plan, it just sort of happened. We were arguing and I had to get out of there and I found myself driving down the highway towards town with no real recollection picking up the keys, starting the car or leaving the house. All of those details were just kind of blurred by rage.
My brother has a tendency to do that to me, I get so mad around him that I don’t even know where to begin to calm down. He’s always been able to do that to me, ever since we were kids. When I was really small, maybe 7 or 8, he had this game he used to play where he told me that he wasn’t my real brother, that I was imagining him. No matter what I said, he would keep pretending that I was wrong, that he wasn’t real. I can remember how my face would burn with the frustration of using every resource in my 8-year-old brain to prove that he was actually there, actually human and that he actually existed. It was infuriating, it pisses me off to this day when I think about it. He knew where my buttons were and he could push them effortlessly.
Today’s argument was a little more complex that that. We’re trying to figure out how to help Mom stay in her own place for longer, but he seems to think that the situation is going to pass. As if Mom is going to turn a corner and turn back into the lady who looked after us for so long. It’s not going to happen, she is way past that now and she needs us to help her. He doesn’t seem to understand that he is going to have to step up and work with me on this, he just wants everything to work out.
You know, it’s like he’s afraid of a world without his Mommy…
Oh, crap. That’s exactly what’s going on. The poor man doesn’t know how to handle things without his Mom to depend on and even though he doesn’t want to take over, he sure as hell doesn’t want his little sister being in charge.
I’m going to have to find the next exit and head back to his place and apologize. I’m sure we can figure this out without yelling any more. I can’t have him thinking his whole family is abandoning him at once.