Smartmouth Mombie

Instead of placing it on the counter properly, I inexplicably laid it right on the edge and it dropped to the floor and the handle broke off.

I’m proud to say that I didn’t curse or freak out, which I might do some days. Instead, I just said ‘Oh, no!’ and bent to pick it up.

I’m even prouder that The Boy came over, asked what happened, and then said ‘I’m really sorry that happened to you, Mommy.’

I sometimes hear a snippy tone from my kids that I recognize from myself and every time that happens I remind myself to breathe before I speak so I can be kinder and clearer. 

Then, other times, I hear the sweetest, most empathetic* thing come out of one of their mouths, like ‘I’m sorry that happened to you, Mommy’ and I recognize that too.  It makes me realize that for all the times I am impatient or short-tempered,  there are more times that I am kind, and gentle, and easy on their feelings. 

I know that I model behaviour for them, and while I might not always do that evenly, I can tell that my empathy is working – it is making them empathetic too.  And I am so damn proud of that.

*For the record,  it takes everything in me not to say ‘empathic’ here, like we are all Deanna Troi or something.

This entry is part of a MotherTalk/MomCentral Book Tour for Suzy Welch’s 10-10-10, I received a free copy of the book for review purposes. 

Suzy Welch’s 10-10-10: 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years: A Life-Transforming Idea , to paraphrase various descriptions, is about learning to choose the life we live, acting rather than reacting to changing circumstances.  When faced with a decision, following her 10-10-10 method will guide you to give serious thought to the consequences, rather than just going with your ‘gut.’ 

I joined the MotherTalk/MomCentral book tour for 10-10-10 (and received a free copy!) because I love reading personal development and success books. 

Now, I don’t go in for the Stuart Smalley  ‘You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!’ type guides, but I enjoy books based on solid guidelines that helped the authors get a better grip on their lives.

Suzy Welch uses lots of examples (from her own life and from other people who use 10-10-10) so the reader can see how the method works in real life** situations, which makes for an enjoyable read.

I like Welch’s writing style, it’s authoritative but friendly at the same time.  And the system that she suggests is very simple.  When you are faced with a decision that matters, instead of going with your highly emotional, reactive, ‘gut’ you should put the decision in your brain by gathering information and doing a 10-10-10: asking yourself about the consequences of your decision in the immediate future (10 minutes), in the short term (10 months) and in the long term (10 years).

My first reaction to this idea was a bit of tension, because I was afraid it was one of those ‘Will this matter in 10 years?’ ways that people use to dismissing someone’s immediate concerns, but that wasn’t the case.  Instead, Welch is suggesting that you develop a fleshed out idea of how the consequences will affect you, not suggesting you write off today’s turmoil because it doesn’t matter. 

In fact, she specifically cautions against focussing too much on any part of the 10-10-10 timeline because all of the time frames matter – this method is about teasing out the big picture, identifying important issues, rather than going with our immediate reactions to situations. 
  
10-10-10 works best when you have a good sense of your own values.  Welch guides you to identify your values* by asking a few specific questions, and then you are supposed to use them to guide your visualization of the outcome of your decision over time.  Will this decision bring you closer to living by your values?  (People often state values differently than they live them, because they are not always conscious of how day-to-day actions add up).

Once you are clear on your values, you can use 10-10-10 to make sure you live as close to them as possible.   When faced with a decision, Welch says to develop a specific question addressing the problem (i.e. Should I accept this job?).  Then gather information*** and use the 10-10-10 structure to imagine what you will feel, and what the impact of your decision will be in:

- 10 mins (How will you feel? How will others feel?  What does it make you think about?)

- 10 months (Will you be settled in? Will things have calmed down?  Will you be closer to living the sort of life you want?).

- 10 years (What path does this decision put you on? Where could your decision lead you?  How will others remember this decision?)

I like the idea of using a framework for making decisions, because in parenting and in writing I often find myself with only vague ideas about why I chose a particular path, or why I feel we *should* choose that one.  That makes it hard to be consistent and hard to explain (and I’m a huge fan of information and explanation****) why I think things should go the way I do.  Using 10-10-10 will help remind me that some of the challenging actions I must take now (not giving in to the whining about video games, for example) are the groundwork for benefits in the future (kids with a variety of interests).

I’ve already helped a friend use 10-10-10 to make an important decision, and the feeling of regret that came over her when she thought about it being 10 months from now and not having taken action was immediately useful to her – and powerful for me because I could see how the thought affected her. I can definitely see myself using the 10-10-10 structure for helping my kids, for making career decisions and for mediating disagreements.

I do have a few suggestions (when do I not?  I am a suggestions queen!). 

I realize that people should read the whole book (or at least most of it) before undertaking 10-10-10 so they would have all the information before starting to use it, but lots of people will probably skim for the action steps.  For that reason, I would have like to see the section about determining values earlier in the book.  To be fair, it IS in the third chapter, which is pretty early, but it felt like I already had many of the tools to use the method by that point and then discovered there was a step before step one.  

Welch mentions values in the first two chapters (she says in chapter 3 that she has already mentioned them five times) but I would have liked for her to reference the upcoming values section in the first two chapters.

I would also like to have a 10-10-10 template included in the book or on her website.  Perhaps a values worksheet and then a form to use to structure the process the first few times you do it.  And a few, leading, thought-provoking questions would be great too. I think that would add great value to the book and help some people cement the process.

 Overall, I think the 10-10-10 method is a very useful framework for decision-making and it could remove a lot of angst from the process of making important changes in your life. 

*And she does this without injecting her own values in there.
**For everything from a discussion with a kid to choosing to relocate for a job
*** Sometimes the 10-10-10 structure helps you gather information, sometimes you need to gather information first and sometimes it helps you realize you need more information before a decision is possible.
****Seriously, I could never, ever, get enough information, not if I had a million years to research a topic.

FYI: This is crossposted with my other blog www.threedeepbreaths.com

I decided yesterday that today was going to be the day that I made decisive steps towards getting the boys more involved in the upkeep of the house, the day I would work alongside them instead of working around them, the day I would alternate writing with engaged activities for each of them.

You can smell the fail from there, can’t you.

My plan was to write for 30 minutes, play for 30 minutes, then get The Little Guy to do some stuff around the house with me (putting laundry away, baking some muffins etc).

Of course, TLG, woke at 5:40 and bugged me for the next hour and a half, wanting to wake his brother and play a video game (not happening!). Then, it was interrogation morning as everyone had intense questions. By the time I sat down to breakfast after The Man and The Boy left, I was already tired.

That’s when The Little Guy went into action, demanding snacks, asking when I was going to play, climbing on me. To put this in perspective, he had already had his breakfast, and he usually watches TV for a while after that. This morning he refused to watch TV, and wanted a new activity every 5 minutes (that is NOT an exaggeration) all while I was trying to work.

Alas, there is no explaining to a 4 year old that there is a good trade for leaving Mommy alone for 30 minutes (he would have gotten 60 plus minutes of uninterrupted Mommytime). So it took me over an hour to get my 30 minutes of work done.

Now I feel all jittery and cranky and I am not at all enthused for the afternoon of activities I had planned.

Perhaps I should have stuck with my usual slackery.

I have always prided myself on my great memory. I can recall* or piece together events long past by dredging up just a scrap of information.  My family always calls on me to figure out when things happened, or who was there (Well, it was summertime because I was wearing my jean shorts and I cut those jeans into shorts after watching Dirty Dancing, which I watched with T, so that must have been the summer after Grade 10…etc)

But my recall is starting to fail me and it is driving me nuts.  Don’t worry, I’m not experiencing a scary probably an illness memory loss, I just can’t remember as much of the details of my kids’ babyhoods as I would like.  I think the combination of unfamiliarity, sleep-deprivation, and kid-juggling has made my detail oriented recall fail me and I don’t like it.

I know I don’t NEED to remember everything, I certainly don’t care for the daily details of my own babyhood – a broad sketch is more than enough, but I want to remember more.  I have never been more acutely aware of the passing of time than I have since the boys arrived, and I know I can never have those ages back – I will never again have a newborn and a three year old, I will never again have a child in grade two and another months away from kindergarten.  I want to freeze each moment in time and save it to visit later.

And like I’ve said before, it’s not just the way things look or the things the kids say that I want to save (although I want all them too) - it’s the feeling of little arms around my neck, the way a soft cheek presses against mine, the lovely physicality of this stage of mothering, the same physicality that can be overwhelming – those intangibles, that I want to fold in wax paper and press between the pages of a book.

It makes me sad just to think about it, knowing that I will probably forget today, and that yesterday is already partially gone.  Perhaps ina few years the boys will be filling me in on their early childhood “Well, I was wearing my spiderman shirt with the long sleeves, so that must have been when I was four…”

*I know that you change a memory everytime you dig it out of your brain, I believe that the core, and at least some of the feelings are accurate.

PS – Sorry for the radio silence,  we were getting some house repairs done and computer time was at a premium.

This entry contains spoilers for the Firefly episode ‘War Stories.’ Read at your own risk.

Even though the rest of the world has been singing its praises for lo these many years, I was unaware of the Firefly series until Mark gave it to me for my birthday back in November.

I love it, of course. Cool, well-developed characters, strong women (and men), interesting situations, quirky humour, handsome men. It’s very much my thing and I’ve watched the episodes several times over since November.

The Man and I watched one of my favourites the other day. As someone in a lovely, strong relationship, I like to see good relationships on screen.

TV marriages seem to be all about stereotypes, nagging shopping women, lazy stupid men and people who can no longer even be kind to each other. I hate that.

Zoe and Wash, in Firefly, don’t have that sort of thing. They seem like real people in a strong relationship. Even though they have their disagreements, they have an almost visible bond, and they enjoy each others’ company (ahem). It’s refreshing to see that and I like any episode shows new aspects of their relationship.

So in the episode we watched the other night (War Stories), Wash is feeling jealous of Zoe’s history with the Captain (Nathan Fillion as Mal Reynolds – mmmm!) and they have a disagreement. As a result, Wash ends up on a mission with Mal and they get captured and tortured.

Zoe comes to rescue them and the villain (Niska) plans to cause further agony by making her choose whether to rescue the Captain or her husband.  She hands over some money and the exchange goes like this:

Excerpt from : http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/firefly/season1/firefly-109.htm

NISKA (cont’d): Not enough for two. But sufficient, perhaps, for one.
She looks at him. Sees where this is going.

NISKA (cont’d) :So you now have a question to make an answer. It is for you, pretty lady, and only you, now to ch–

ZOE (cuts him off): Him.

She points at Wash. Niska’s a bit thrown.

ZOE (cont’d) I’m sorry. You were going to ask me to choose, right? Didja wanna finish?
Off Niska, open-mouthed, still back at the not-being-able-to- get-his-sentence-out moment –

Now clearly there is more going on here that ‘Zoe loves her husband’  – the Captain can probably withstand the torture better, he’d probably tell her to take Wash instead of him,  she would want to settle the bad feelings from earlier and so on.  But she didn’t hesitate,  she just picked her husband.  

To me that came across like: Sure, she is loyal to the Captain but Wash is her HUSBAND.  He’s the man she chose to marry, the man she loves, and that goes beyond loyalty , beyond the logical decision, it goes right to the heart. And I love to see that sort of genuine, strong feeling portrayed on screen.

Sometimes one of my sons will do something that mirrors a habit of my husband’s and he will look at me with an apology in his eyes because I have to deal with a double (or triple) dose of whatever the habit is.  And I look right back at him and say ‘With the kids, I had to take what I got, but I CHOSE you, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. So them being like you? Not a problem.”  

That’s what a good marriage feels like.  I’ll take it.

*See why I like this show? the dame comes to the rescue!

I was talking with my friend D the other day on MSN and we were musing about how people are always asking about stuff that’s none of their business. When are you getting married? When are you having kids? Why isn’t your kid in that class? Have you tried diet x?

Sure, sometimes these questions are just a way of showing interest in your life but when you are asked them over and over again, they feel intrusive. Especially if it is something that is bothersome to you.

That’s when I realized what a relief it is not be asked about how my kids are sleeping anymore. When it takes 2.5 years for them to learn to sleep for any length of time, you get a lot of inquiries on your kids sleep habits and about what you’ve done to ‘correct’ them.

And again, while most of these inquiries are by concerned people, some of them are intrusive. And those intrusive ones imply that you are somehow failing yourself and your child by not undertaking the method the asker approves of. It’s damn annoying.

Someday soon I’m going to do a sleep fact sheet for this site so people who are getting a lot of crap about how their kids sleep can have some more information at their disposal.

In the meantime, check out this post on Ask Moxie.  In fact, check out her posts on anything you need to know as a parent, she’s AWESOME.

So, I’ve always been someone who liked to define success on her own terms. To learn on my own, to read up on topics and take the parts I need, to scorn anything that required me to meet anyone else’s standards.

Lately, however, I have realized that this attitude, while it serves me well in self-esteem and self-definition, is not exactly a growth mentality.

If I never allow myself to be evaluated by objective* criteria, how am I going to grow? How I am going to get any better?

Last week I happened on an online writing course being offered by the authors of a writing book I like. My first thought was ‘Nah, I already know how to write.” And normally that’s where I’d stop. This time I picked up on the fear and arrogance behind that statement. How arrogant of me to operate as if I already know all there is to know about writing. And how fearful of me not to want to be evaluated on my writing. Sure the criteria might not be objective, but the evaluation might be helpful.

I had a similar string of thoughts about Tae Kwon Do recently, too. Not that I know everything about that, I know hardly anything, but I am considering joining a class with The Boy in the fall (he’s already in a kids’ class, this would be the regular one) and I was immediately struck with the fear of being tested for my belts.

That’s right, folks, afraid of being tested for a class I haven’t started yet. Healthy, hey?

I’m not sure how to get past this but I am going to assume that babysteps is the way to go. I am going to take an online writing course, and then talk to some people about TKD.

Can you innoculate yourself against this sort of fear by exposing yourself to small fearful things at first and then building over time?

*I am never sure when criteria is ‘objective’ that’s part of the problem. I like to protect myself from unnecessary subjective evaluations when possible.

I feel like I have lost my blog voice. 

Once upon a time, let’s, for the sake of argument, call it 2003, I had a definite voice.  It was a chatty, friendly sort of tone that referenced personal goings-on without getting into too much detail.  I had shout-outs to friends and family who were helping me out, or doing something cool,  and I used a lot of brackets and asterisks.

Somehow in the time since then I have gotten more formal.  I think that as my time to write got shorter I became more conscious of what I was saying and how I was saying it.  I also discovered some other blogs with similar quirks (shocking! I know!) and that put me off  a bit – I didn’t want to seem like I was copying them.

Anyway, I’m trying to get back to frequently blogging, I think that frequency will bring back the voice I liked and help me ditch the self-consciousness.

Let’s see how that pans out.

I’m changing to wordpress because I am tired of dealing with the html details. I love my old site design (http://www.mombie.com/oldsite.html) but between working on multiple computers and creating my own archives and so on and so on, I’m just tired of fussing with details.

It may take me a while to make this one pretty but at least I can set it up, do some writing from ANYWHERE and then just publish it with out all the fuss.

This is just part of my plan to ‘automate’ as much of my life as possible. I’ve read a ton of personal development and time management books (a shock, I know!) and many of them say that the key to managing your time and your mind is to get as much of your life on autopilot as possible so you you can stick to the things that matter to you.

Writing matters to me. The details of getting writing online bog me down. Hence, new blogging method.

I’m switching to wordpress, it may take a while to sort everything. Please bear with me.

Older entries here:  www.mombie.com/oldsite.html