backyard

Soon, soon, soon

Last night, when I let Khalee out at around midnight, it was cool and crisp outside but it wasn’t cold.

It made me hopeful that I’ll soon be able to sit out on the patio at night and draw.

And that soon I’ll be doing yoga outside instead of in.

And soon I’ll have pots of flowers everywhere.

Soon.

Soon.

Soon.

A photo of a patio chair in the corner of a patio at night
Image description: A nighttime photo of a patio chair in a corner on my wooden patio. There are white lights strung on the railing behind the chair. There is still snow on the ground and it can be seen through the metal rungs of the railing. A leafless tree is in the background.

May 1: Low Key

I want a lot out of this month but I am trying to teach myself to add things slowly instead of trying to do everything all at once.

After all, I know that successful changes, new practices, come from starting small and building up.

BUT

I also know that jumping right into a bunch of new practices all at once feels good. I feel engaged and energetic and accomplished…until I run out of steam.

And despite the fact that I run out of steam EVERY SINGLE TIME, my brain still wants to chase that excited feeling of doing ALL OF THE THINGS.

Without the benefits of medication and experience, I would be planning to do more art, more writing, more exercise, more Taekwon-do, more house organizing, more everything all at once, starting right now, maybe half an hour of each, on top of what I already do each day.

It would be fun today but by the end of the week, I would be out of steam.

So, instead, I am layering all of those things into my life during May.

I will ‘touch’ each habit each day but only really focus on one at a time.

Let’s see how it goes.

?a view of a backyard patio with bare trees in the background
My patio and trees are on the same plan that I am – the basics in place but we’ll add new things a little at a time and let them grow. Image description: The view from one corner of my patio. A lawn chair is directly across from me and beyond that there are trees that don’t have any leaves on them next to my red shed.

Everything’s A Damn Practice

Well, I have kind of realized it before but I have only recently come to understand the full extent of it.

I’m not a ‘workaholic’ and I am not obsessed with productivity but my brain has a hard time prioritizing so even at my most relaxed, I am aways pushing away the idea that I *should* be doing something else.

And sometimes, I am also keeping an eye on the clock to see if I have been relaxing ‘too long.’

It’s easier if I have chosen an activity with a clear completion point but I can then choose, in advance, to say “I’m going to do this thing until this point.” That gets me out of the wondering about the time frame but it hasn’t saved me from having to consciously choose to ignore the ‘shoulds.’

For me, living with ADHD has often been about bracing for the fact that I may have misjudged the time, scope, or schedule for doing something important. There is always the chance that the thing that has slipped my mind is a key task or an important deadline that I have not allowed enough time for.

So, even though I take lots of downtime, it can take a lot of work to get my whole mind to corporate.

But, I am getting better at shutting those thoughts out in advance. Part of my success comes from being conscious of the issue and saying, aloud, “I’ve done X, Y, Z, and that’s enough for now, so I am going to read for half an hour.” but another part is just about sheer practice.

I hope it keeps getting easier.

A view of one side of a backyard patio with chairs and flowers and a shed in the background.
The view from my reading chair. Image description: The view from one side of my patio. Part of the sky, some trees and a section of my backyard is visible in sunshine and shade. You can also see my red and white shed, a bunch of plants in flower pots, a deck chair with a red cushion, a yoga mat hung over the patio rail (wooden with black metal uprights.)

More resigned than annoyed

It snowed today.

On June 10th.

Two days after some straight-up summer weather.

I couldn’t work up a full positive attitude but I do feel kind of resigned to the facts here. (Acceptance is important, right?)

June is often awful here in Newfoundland and Labrador. And we have had so many foggy, rainy, cold Junes that our recent good weather is the aberration, not this.

It’s pretty rare for us to have our patio furniture set up by this point and the leaves are hardly ever put by now.

But still, the fact that it is has been so warm and so green makes this snow a sort of insult.

This was not in the plan.

A backyard deck, set up for summer, is covered in snow.
Image description: a corner of a backyard patio, decorated with star shaped lights. There is a deck chair with a red cushion on it under a leafy tree. There is snow on the deck, on the ground, and on the tree.