Today was not a day for working on big stuff, today was a day for doing routine tasks.

Or it would be, if I some routine tasks ready to go.

Alas, even the effort to plan/identify some routine tasks was too much for me today.

So I just bounced from task to task and tried to be kind to myself about the whole thing.

Some days with ADHD are more frustrating than others.

I’m sure they aren’t actually called snowflake flowers but they definitely make me happy.

(Some days I like to write about my brain or about what I am up to, sometimes I just like posting a photo of a flower.)

I often have trouble starting projects because it seems like they will take too much time or energy.

Even if the project is important to me, even if the stakes are high, sometimes my brain will just stall when I try to get started.

Even if I have plenty of time, even if the project is manageable, there’s a chance my brain will get snagged on the one hard part. Then it will, subconsciously, tell me that the whole project is ‘too big’ or ‘too difficult’ and steer me away from it when I try to begin.

And it is subconscious.

I’m not thinking ‘Oh, that’s too difficult.’

But when I look at my to do list, my brain will avoid selecting that important item because of the energy and effort it will require.

And sometimes it will wake a while before I realize how long I have been rescheduling that same set of task and then I will realize that it feels too big to start.

It’s hard to oppose that kind of illogical thinking in the moment if you don’t even realize it is happening.

So, I am trying to avoid getting caught in that loop by preventing the loop from forming in the first place.

I have a few current projects that have the potential for that kind of loop and I am trying to spend 5-10 minutes per work day on those.

I’m trying to look at them in small increments instead of as a whole project.

I’m slightly concerned that my brain will keep generating busywork for these projects to keep me in the ‘safe’ 5-10 minute timeframe but let’s see how it goes.

After my mini-adventure yesterday my brain is feeling a lot clearer and I actually got some stalled projects moving again this morning.

I’m so glad I actually took the time to just hang out (and to swim in a pond!) because I needed that time away – even if it was just for an afternoon.

As I have no doubt explained before, my brain often gets caught up in trying to finish things x,y,z before I rest or so something fun.

It’s not about finishing those things per se. It’s not about not deserving rest, it’s not about productivity, it’s about optimizing my rest. Part of my brain is convinced that truly resting depends on having everything done.

And yeah, intellectually, I know that there is no such thing as having everything done.

And I’m sure that the fact that I always feel like I *should* have been able to do those things sooner is a factor (and that feeling is sometimes true.)

And this would be less of a problem if those things were doable in the time my brain allows – but they rarely are.

So, I am trying to shift my thinking pattern here.

How can I draw a line under how much I am willing to work on today?

How can I convince my brain that I don’t need to optimize my rest, I just need to rest?

Today, I’m experimenting with adding a little adventure into my schedule.

I worked on a few things this morning and this afternoon I am going swimming at a friend’s cabin.

My work isn’t done but even if I worked all afternoon I still couldn’t finish it today.

So, I figure swimming and having a fun, relaxing mini-adventure on summer afternoon is a much better use of my time.

Maybe my brain will learn something from this. 😉