One of the side benefits of the way I put my various projects on pause before Xmas is only coming to light now.

I don’t feel rushed to get back at things.

Most of the time, between Xmas and New Years I feel like I *should* be trying to get stuff done. I usually have this feeling like I have tucked things away into a rickety pile and if I don’t get back to it soon it will fall.

This year, though, I seem to have done a better job of convincing my brain to take a break and those tasks aren’t just held at bay, they are actually paused.

Instead of feeling like I am somehow cheating and hiding from my work, I feel like it is calmly on hold.

I should probably make some clear notes on how I did this so I can do it again.

After such a stressful year, it feels weird to have so many days of rest in a row but I’ll take them.

I’m not feeling well today so the rest is especially good for me.

Yesterday, I rested and napped and read and did some art.

Today, I’m not feeling well and I had to cancel my plans so I will be resting and napping and reading and doing some art.

Even though I don’t feel well at least my day can be restful and good.

Once upon a time, I used to have to have everything done, whatever I thought everything was at that moment, before I could feel relaxed.

Luckily, I’ve learned over time that I can decide to relax that I can mostly put aside the things that need to be done and be determined to be relaxed.

However, I sometimes have conditions for relaxing.

As in I can be a certain level of relaxed, even a very messy space or anything like that. Or I can take my relaxation open, not by doing or tidying a few specific things, so that will put my mind to rest about those.

I’ve often seen the phrase outer order, inner order and then somewhat applies to me. I rarely have outer order or order, but I can achieve a certain state of inner order by tidying up specific things or taking care of specific tasks that will be at the edges of my thoughts if I don’t deal with them.

For example, today, on Boxing Day, I want to relax and do some reading do some artwork and maybe work on a puzzle. In order to do those things I need to create some quiet around me some visual quiet so I did some dishes I did a little bit of laundry And I’ve picked up a few things in my closet that were bothering me. I don’t actually have enough room in my closet for my sweaters right now my shelves are a bit in disarray. So I had my sweaters stacked on top of a box in my closet but that was bugging me and seeing as I wanted to wear a sweater today, I had to figure out something easy to do with them.

A while back, I would’ve had to find the perfect solution, whatever that might’ve been, but now I can find a way so they’re not actively falling down and then I can leave that task.

Once upon a time, once I started on that task, it would’ve led to me doing task after task after task after task. It would be like I had enabled cleaning mode and I would get stuck in there.

Today though, I could decide on a certain level of tidiness that I wanted, and I spent about an hour getting there. It wasn’t an intense or frantic hour. It was a slow paced hour with lots of breaks in it, but I picked up those few things and now I’m lying on my bed, doing a few of my daily tasks, my personal tasks, before I settle into my book.

I know these sorts of things might not seem a big deal to many people but to me they feel like a real accomplishment. The combination of effort, awareness and medication that has helped me make decisions about how to spend my time and energy rather than being subject to wherever my brain jumped at a given moment.

I don’t know what to say about this first Christmas Day without my Dad except that I missed him and that it felt weird not to be worrying about him.

And really what more is there to say?