When I was a kid, I hated public speaking with a passion. The idea of getting up to do a speech was absolutely terrifying. Then I took an acting class and discovered that I LOVE performing. It took me a few years to realize that I could use that love of acting to make public speaking easier, but I got there. I don’t remember my process but I eventually got to the point where I could convince myself that I was playing the role of someone who knew about topic X and that my character didn’t mind talking about it at all. Now, I do storytelling and acting and public speaking and I am generally unfazed because I can draw on that sense of creating a character.

My performance from yesterday, a suspect in a mystery game.
I was Ava, the administrator for an international arts organization. The guy beside me was ZAP, an artist who worked primarily in olfactory paintings.

I originally thought that was all there was to it, just drawing on an imagined personality to get me past any worry about how I was coming across* but then I got into doing personality tests and discovered that I was an introvert**. I had always thought of myself as an extrovert because I am pretty outgoing and not at all shy, but when I started to dig into what being an introvert means, I realized that I do get easily burnt out in social situations and need time alone (or almost alone) to recharge. And I am super aware of the emotional temperature of every room that I’m in – that’s a whole separate blog post though!
Anyway, as an introvert, I really like for all the roles in any given situation to be very, very clear***and I especially like to know what roles I am playing. Soooo, when I perform, either as a speaker, storyteller or actor, it is very clear. And, if I am the person in charge of the room (as the performer) then that’s even clearer and I have no problem stepping into that role.
I’ve been trying to use this knowledge of my comfort with being a performer to ease my nervousness in other situations, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but it is definitely one of my ‘go-to’ solutions for creating ease for myself whenever possible.
*The really funny thing for me is that if I think too much about my stories or my monologues or anything beforehand I start to freak out a little because I don’t remember the details. HOWEVER, my ‘character’ apparently does because I get up in front of the crowd and slip into that role and the stories and details come pouring out. It doesn’t happen immediately upon hearing a story or writing a monologue – I have to do a certain amount of practice and then something kind of clicks and I’ve got it. I’ve had to learn to trust that click and know that the stories will be there when I need them.
** An INFJ actually. I’m not all cute about being an introvert, I don’t request special care and feeding. I use the information from personality tests to figure out how to operate more effectively in my own life – I don’t expect other people to adapt to me. I will set up some pretty strong boundaries to protect my down time or to ensure that personality differences are respected, though. There is more than one ‘right’ way of being in this world and I won’t let anyone say any different.
*** I seriously think that this is one of the reasons I love so many urban fantasy books about werewolves – everyone automatically knows how to interact with each other and where everyone stands. I wouldn’t want to be a werewolf, of course, but I like the idea of having clear systems for that kind of thing.

I really, really, like an ordinary day. The sort of day where you get the kids to school, do your work, have supper, hang out with your family or read or do household stuff, and then just head on to bed. You don’t want every day to be exactly the same, of course, and it’s not good to get in a rut, but it is pretty damn good to have a routine, and it is perfectly okay to enjoy it.

That sort of life seems to be dismissed by a lot of people. There is a sense that it is dull, or that it lacks challenge, and that might be the case if you did the exact same thing every day and shied away from anything that deviated from it. However, I think the real danger is in being unconscious about what you truly want and what makes you happy, so if you are acting that way, then there is just as much of a problem in ‘going big’ or always seeking variety for variety’s sake.

I see this a lot in the coaching world. There is so much emphasis on going BIG, on being extraordinary, on things being epic, that it makes me ornery (bonus O word). What about if you don’t want or need an epic life? What if you just want to have something ordinary that makes you happy?

I get that some people feel drawn to this huge projects and huge ideas and they love the excitement and the adrenaline rush involved with that lifestyle. However, I don’t think everyone feels called to live big and that is just fine. I want to be sure people live to the edges of the life that they want, that they take up all the space that they need to thrive, but I don’t give a damn if they go big or go home, or if they try to be a superhero.
I get where these coaches are coming from, and I respect the energy they bring to their work, but it makes me feel a little alienated sometimes. I am not encouraging people to clip their own wings or hide their skills, but I think that all the focus on the epic makes people feel that they couldn’t possibly measure up. Or it makes them feel that the things they want are not important enough. And I don’t want ANYONE to have that feeling.
I think that there is a lot of joy and passion to be found in the ordinary, in living the life you want to live, and living it very well. I think the real joy is in being tuned in to what is going around you.
That’s part of the reason that I don’t spend a lot of time rushing around to expose my kids to all sorts of new things all the time. It’s a conscious decision on my part to curate the things we spend energy on. It’s hard enough to make choices about what to do these days – there are so many options all the time and our brains were NOT designed for this variety – without adding additional complication.

Now, I’m not suggesting that people operate from a sense of fear, or that they try to confine themselves to minutae, that is not a life well lived at all. What I’m saying is that they can find a way to celebrate the things that happen for them all the time, that they can see the beauty in the every day instead of always seeking to go bigger all the time. Constant expansion does not guarantee happiness and it seems to keep the focus out there, in the space between here and there, instead of in having you look around and just be where you are.

I can imagine that a lot of people are turned off by the GO BIG GO BIG people, so I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to be soft, it’s okay to have a tight focus, it’s okay to choose your experiences, it’s okay to be ordinary. I love ordinary things.

I’ll bet I’m not the only one to choose No as my word for today.

It’s funny, you know, it’s not that I have a hard time saying no to things I don’t want to do. That is rarely a challenge for me.

I have a hard time saying no to things I want to do but I don’t have time for, or things that are important to do but I may not be the right person to do them.

I thought I’d explore some ways to say no to things. The one at the top is a weird-ish way of refusing things that some people around here might say. I am pretty sure the sentence structure is Irish. It would happen like ‘I’m going to borrow your book here. ‘ ‘That’s what you’re not!’

I’ve been thinking lately, though, about different ways to say no to things.

When my kids were toddlers, I read something about how you shouldn’t spend all your time saying No to them, you should try to tell them what to do instead of what not to do.

I know this is easier said than done but it makes a lot of sense. Just think about when you are learning something new, what feels easier to hear ‘No, that’s wrong.’ or ‘Try this instead.’

I think we easily get our backs up about No * and I think that it is just easier for us to integrate a slight change in direction into our systems. No throws up a wall and then we operate in reaction to that.

So, if you had been around when my kids were toddlers, you would have heard a lot of ‘careful steps!’ ‘book on the table please’ and other concrete suggestions about what TO do instead of what NOT to do. That doesn’t mean I didn’t shout NOOOOOO at them a bunch of times, too, of course I did, I’m not a robot Mom, but I found the suggestions for different activities to be much more effective.

I still find it pretty effective actually, telling my kids what I want instead of what I don’t want. But, you’ll still hear me bellowing ‘Nu-uh, back up the bus. That is NOT happening.’ from time to time. Why do I phrase it like that? Because I find me funny. It’s a side effect of being a parent, I think. A ridiculous sense of humour.

In fact, a ridiculous sense of humour might be our only defense mechanism against the weirdness that is parenting.

Anyway, back to the No.

I think the reason we all have so much trouble with the word no is that it a boundary issue and we all have trouble with boundaries. Some of us set them too firmly, some of us set them too loosely and some of us don’t feel that we have a right set any at all.

I’m not sure what the answer to that is. I don’t know where someone else’s boundaries should be but I think they should make people comfortable. That beig siad, I think people with too tight boundaries are comfortable they just don’t ge tto experience everything that they could. So perhaps that it should be tight enough to prtect you without being so tight that they restrict you. Only you know where your Nos should land.

And I want you to know that it is okay to say No. That’s a lesson I want to pass on to my kids. You don’t ahve to make yourself miserable so someone else is happy. you don’t have to deny yourself the life that you want to live so someone else gets a bit more space.

*I can’t help but think that that is related to how many times we heard it as children. We all struggle to separate criticism of our behaviour with criticism of ourselves, but kids really internalize that stuff.