So far, I have 14, 730 words and I am planning to bring myself up to 15, 000 words tonight. That’s more words than I had going into the final weekend last year. With cooperation from The Man, The Boy and The Little Guy, I managed to finish with 50, 000 by the 28th. I am clearly capable of pushing out a ton of words on demand at the last minute as needed.

This year, with my side-project of learning to break down my work in to more manageable chunks, and my other (news to me!) project of learning to focus on the process rather than the results, I have been working away at about 2000 words a day. To put this in perspective, my usual average is about 30 words a day (I write in fits, and not even regular ones, I’m working on that too).  So, I’ve made a huge leap this past week, moving from barely writing to it being a high priority.

And it really hasn’t been hard. Sure, at least one day I had to handcarve each letter (or at least that’s what it felt like) but mostly it has taken very little time or effort to write 2000 words.* It has taken me 90m or less each day, and for someone who has business cards that say ‘writer’ that’s not really a lot of time and I feel that it will be sustainable after NaNoWriMo ends.**

But today I read an article about how to take your word count up from 2000 words a day to 10000 words a day. I confess, I’m intrigued. Imagine all the ideas I could run with if I could write that much every day. The author of the article (I’m going to have to add a link in later when I’m more awake) had a list of ways to improve your output but the one one that I realized I need to use is to plan what to write.

These first 14000+ words have been off the top of my head. I had an idea about how someone could go missing, and I rolled it into a world where demons are stirring up trouble (the same world as last year’s novel) and I just starting writing. Last year, I did much the same thing, but with one crucial difference. On that last weekend when I went from ‘oh, shit, I can’t do this’ to ‘oh shit, I CAN do this’, The Boy woke up at 4am on Saturday with a nightmare and he needed me to come sit with him until he fell asleep.  The 45m I sat up with him as he tried to fall asleep may have made the difference between can’t and can for me, because as I sat there my plot began to unfold in my head and I grabbed a notebook and made a list of scenes and ideas and plot points to bring me up to the end of my novel.  I slept on it and when I got up in the morning I was essentially typing, the writing was practically already done.

I wrote somewhere in the neighbourhood of 35, 000 words in approximately 19 hours of writing time. That’s almost 1850 words an hour. All because I planned it out.

Now, I have no intention to try and match that pace on a regular basis. It’s not necessary and, besides, some things work better when written slowly. I do, however, intend to speed up my writing and increase my output by planning more specifically.

Now, I must head back to my novel. I have another 270 words to write and I have nothing planned. Tomorrow, however, I’m doing some planning before I try to write at all. I’ll let you know how it goes.

* No promises on the quality, but at least I didn’t take TLG’s suggestion and type ‘Nonononononononono’ over and over again. Also, in case I’m coming across all braggy-pants, my schedule is a hell of a lot more flexible than most people’s – the benefit of working from home on contracts.

**The key, I believe, is to have another project to move on to. I’m working on that already.

My ‘ learn to do projects in chunks’ plan is coming along swimmingly. I have written at least 2000 words* every day since November started, even on that day that felt like I was constructing each one individually.

I really like the feeling of writing this much, and I like having a daily goal. Sure, it’s only been six days but it feels like something I want to keep doing. I can’t imagine how much I would get written if I had a 2000 word goal daily, even just on weekdays after this. Except for that one day, it hasn’t been hard to do. I think that I could probably build up to more over time.

Clearly, I’m jumping the gun here, but I am enjoying this process. And I can remember that after the three or four large projects I’ve done in the past year, the writing sprint has left me wanting to write more, not less, but since I had worked in a sprint, I had ignored other things and was forced to take a break. The break broke my writing habit and it took until the next pressure induced sprint for me to start churning out the words again.

Considering that I am making this month about the process instead of the results, I think that the end of November could find me with a well entrenched habit of working on my projects in a regular fashion. That would make me a very happy dame, since creating structure and consistency was my main goal for this year. I’ve spent a lot of time in 2011 finding out different ways to deal with my obstacles to that goal, and NaNoWriMo may be the catalyst to push me past the last one.

I’m also hoping that November ends with me having an entrenched habit of exercising early in the morning. Getting up to do yoga on Saturday was actually easy and today I chose to stay in bed longer but I woke knowing that yoga had to happen before I went on with my day.  It was an interesting feeling to say the least, this inner force driving me towards my mat. It felt good for yoga to be part of my daily unmissable tasks, like eating or brushing my teeth.

BEWARE: TANGENT!

To step back to yesterday’s post. I don’t think I was clear enough on how I handled the fear. I think it was less of swallowing my fear than of accepting it as part of the process. Once again, I had to accept what I could not change, and I did that by focusing on the part I had control over – the process. Accepting that resistance and fear are part of the activities I choose to participate in is definitely key for me to move forward.**

WARNING: SUDDEN END OF TANGENT (ALSO: UNWARRANTED SHOUTING)

*Of my novel. That total doesn’t include my daily blog entries, or the freelance writing I’ve done.

**I apologize to those that find/found that painfully obvious and were just waiting for me to catch up, and to those who have read similar observations on my blog before. To the latter group: a lot of these ideas spark and then die for me because I encounter them at a time that I don’t have room to fan them to flame. And I sometimes see the application for one set of circumstances and don’t or can’t extrapolate to the next time I need them. This is where the meta-self-reflection ends. Holy navel-gazing, Batman! (By the way, I typed Holy navel-gazing batman at first, and without the capital B and the comma, I got a hilarious image of a half bat, half man transfixed by his belly button. Now you’ve got it, too. You’re welcome.)

Let me start by saying that I HATE most forms of competition. I know that they’re good for you in many ways, and there are many benefits, and that it can be the only way to test certain skills. Yea gawds, though, they’re unpleasant.

I think it is a personality issue, something to do with being an introvert, or perhaps from being an INFJ – I have trouble moving between being friends before the competition and being ‘enemies’ during it, and going back to being friends.* I spend so much of my life seeking consensus, and trying to help people see things from other perspectives, that I don’t know what to do with creating a situation where I want to be better than them.

It’s silly, of course. I know that. And I would like to win, I just hate to do it at someone else’s expense. Unless they are horrible, of course, then I could get behind them losing – in some sort of karmic event, I guess.

Today, I took part in our Taekwon-Do school’s annual competition and I’ve been dreading it for the better part of a month.

I had signed up to do a pattern (Won Hyo) and I was on the fence about sparring** (I brought my gear in case I opted in) and I was terrified.  I like to look at the big picture, and I like participating in things that look at things that way. In theatre, if you prepare a whole play and miss one line, you can cover it and still tell the story. In TKD patterns, you can do the 25 plus complicated moves perfectly except for one small part, and then lose to your competitor who did them all perfectly.

To make matters worse, in patterns competition, there aren’t points, there is only win or lose. The first two competitors*** step into the ring, and on the signal, execute their pattern to the best of their ability at that time. When the patterns are complete, the judges fold their arms in front at shoulder height and raise one arm to signal which competitor won. Sometimes the vote is split and the majority wins, but often all the judges vote  for one person and the other person has to look at a bank of people who have decided they weren’t up to par. Yes, that’s a grim way to look at it, but that’s what it feels like (especially to The Boy, who hates it more than me).

Sparring is different, they do decide based on points and you have lots of chances to redeem yourself within the 90s round (hell, 90s can be a LOOOOOOONG time), and the judges are on four corners so they see more of what you’re doing. It’s still kind of weird and horrible, but it’s not as ‘judgey’ feeling as the patterns.

Like I said, I’ve been dreading this for a month. But, this morning when I was doing yoga (not mindful yoga, obviously, my thoughts were on the competition) I realized that this was another time to put Victoria’s advice to focus on the process not the results into practice. I decided that I would be mindful at the competition and focus on the process of doing the pattern (and possibly the sparring) instead of worrying about winning or losing or making an ass of myself.

It worked. I was a little apprehensive before I got into the ring, but once I got there, I just focused on moving my body through the pattern and relying on muscle memory. I did the best version of that pattern that I have ever done. The guy I was up against did better (although to my relief I could tell HOW he was better, so the judging wasn’t ambiguous), and I got bronze and he moved on, but it really didn’t matter to me at all. I had brought my A game and I felt good. I sometimes refer to that first bronze medal as the ‘participant ribbon’***** because everyone gets a medal and it feels odd, but today I felt like I had earned a medal, not for just showing up, but for working hard at the best of my ability at that point.

I was so buoyed by the feeling of having put my all into it, that I decided to spar. I had thought I was waiting to see if my nemesis from last year was there, but that wasn’t strictly true. I was waiting to see if I could do it without utter terror, and if she was there, if I could face down my fear, not so much of her, but of the process. You can tell where this is going, right?

I decided again that process was where it was at. I’ve had more practice at defense this year, I move more quickly, and I knew what to expect in the ring. I told my instructor that I was going to go for it.

Then I found out that I would have to move up a belt level in order to compete. So I would be up against a blue belt and a red stripe (I’m a blue stripe, one step below blue belt, two below red stripe). I figured I could handle that.

Then I found out that they wouldn’t let the only woman there with a black stripe spar against the men, so they were moving her down a level to our division. And she was from the other school – they train a lot harder in sparring. As soon as I heard that, I *knew* that I was up first, and that I would be up against her. I had to swallow my fear.

Then I heard her husband (the owner/instructor at the other school) warn her not to hit too hard. I swallowed my fear again and did some warm ups to put me in my body instead of inside my head. I did all three versions of warrior pose to remind myself that I have power and then I put it out of my head and chatted with the other competitors and my friends from class.

When our division was called, I was called into the ring with the black stripe, just as I figured I would be. I reminded myself of two things: 1) I am very good at avoiding blows 2) I needed focus on the process of sparring. And I did.  I fought well. I missed lots of opportunities to kick, but I blocked lots of kicks and punches.

This is me, focusing on the process instead of the results in my sparring match. I'm in the white helmet. Thanks to Anne for taking this photo!

The round ended quickly, and I waited to be told that she had won. But, instead of lifting just my opponent’s hand, the ref lifted both of our arms into the air. I had tied a match with a black stripe! That was like a medal in itself. The next step was ‘sudden death’ over time, and while I think I got in a kick first, the judges didn’t see it (and it only counts if they see it) and she got in a tap on my helmet, she won and I got another bronze.

I didn’t even care. I had so many personal victories in that ring it wasn’t even funny. I stepped in the ring after my horrible experience last year, I fought a black stripe, I tied a black stripe, and, most importantly, I kept my focus on the process of fighting, not on what might come of the fight.

I feel terrific.

So, this one time at a Taekwon-Do competition…I brought my A game, I rocked my pattern, and I tied in a fight against a black stripe highly trained in sparring. Kiiiiiiiii-Ya!

*Don’t even get me started on trash-talking! I have no idea how to handle that. How can you say such mean things to your friends and then be okay with each other afterwards? I can’t deal.

**Last year, sparring went horribly wrong and I ended up in the ring with this girl who was well trained to spar, but not so much to control her blows. I got beaten up – not like ‘call the police’ beaten up, like ‘I have never been in a fight, holy shit’ beaten up. It was overwhelming and upsetting. Before today, I didn’t realize the issue was her control, I thought that her technique was typical competition sparring.

***Each division has four competitors. The first two compete, the winner goes on to the gold medal round. The second two compete, and the winner goes on to the gold medal round. The two ‘losers’ get bronze medals, the other two get gold or silver. It’s kind of an odd system since that first ‘loser’ doesn’t get to compete for silver at all – if you know what I mean. The second ‘loser’ at least had a shot at silver before they started. It’s all the luck of the draw as to which round you compete in (that’s what makes it fair) but it is frustrating because the ‘loser’ of the first round might have been able to beat the ‘loser’ of the second round, if they had faced off, and hence had a shot at silver or even gold, depending on their competion. I imagine the organization of these things makes perfect sense to people who participate in sports all the time, but to me it seems odd that each person doesn’t face off against each other person and then get awarded medals based on points or something.

****After more reflection today, I realized that the bronze medals are actually equal, which is why there are two. Both bronze medal recipients competed once and lost, but they didn’t compete against each other so they can’t be ranked.

I was expecting today to be gruesome. I’ve read The Four Day Win*, I know that it’s a turning point and I had decided to just accept the hard as part of the process.

Then it wasn’t hard.

That leaves me wondering if it would never have been hard, or if it was the acceptance that made it easy.

I know that a lot of strife comes from not going with the flow, from resisting the things that are and wishing for things to be different. I have trouble drawing the line between things that can and should be resisted and things that must be accepted.

I have always been moved by the Serenity Prayer**, the last line about ‘the wisdom to know the difference’ almost brings me to tears. The wisdom to know the difference. That’s huge. It’s a central question for me, when to try hard and when to stop pushing. How to figure out if my efforts are only making my life harder.

I can remember being 8 or 9 years old, and having a hard time with something. I don’t even remember what it was now, just that I couldn’t understand why it had to be that way. In trying to help, my Dad said to me, ‘Chris, you gotta learn to roll with the punches.’ – why my decidedly non-athletic Dad was working a boxing metaphor, I don’t know – I was just frustrated by the advice. I didn’t really get it.

I’m better at rolling with some punches now, but I still struggle.  When is enough effort, when to put the effort in, what’s too hard, what’s an unfair fight? I rarely know the answers to any of these questions.

Then when you add all of this to one of my favourite quotes:  “The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” (George Bernard Shaw), the result is a very confused dame. How can I know when I am being the unreasonable ‘man’ [sic] and hence should continue, or when I am not rolling with the punches and hence should just move with what’s thrown at me? How can I foster the wisdom to know the difference?

I’m trying to trust that if I am still, if I am trying to be mindful, then I will know on some level when I should roll and when I should be unreasonable. I am trying to trust in the process and let go of the result**, to allow things to become clear.

That’s why today was so important. I did let go in some way, and things were good. It was a good lesson for me.

And I am committed to the process of getting up early to do yoga, and then doing some writing, every day for the next month. They are both the sorts of habits I want to continue but I will see if they will stay in this form over time. I don’t know what the results will be, whether either will get me where I would like to go, but I feel like the process is good for me.

I am trying to go with the flow to create the habit, while being an unreasonable woman to make progress in writing and exercise. Maybe that’s where the balance is?

*For the record, I have never been in a diet war. I can no more judge myself for eating than I can judge myself for being short. I was interested in the psychological processes she described.

**I also like the same sentiment expressed in a different way ‘For every ailment under the sun, there is a remedy or there is none. If there be one, seek and find it. If there be none, then never mind it.”

***Thanks, Victoria!

I’m really struggling with voice here.

When I read some of my old blog entries, I love the way the me of then shines through and I like the things I had to say. For a while there I was juggling so many things and so many competing needs, that I ended up dropping the blogging.

Now I’m afraid of ending up writing dull little blogs about goals without delving into the thinky bits. The thinky bits are the best stuff. Of course, they also tend to be the parts that waver over into territory I don’t want to cover. I want to give my kids (and myself) as much privacy as possible and while I want to talk about mothering, I don’t want to talk about the kids, per se. I want to find that line somewhere. I used to do a decent job on that tightrope before, perhaps it is just a matter of the right umbrella and top hat this time? Note to self: acquire top hat.

I’m also nervous because of how the blogging world has changed (it happens, I’m not knocking it) and how posts are supposed to be short and snappy and fact-filled now. My thoughts don’t translate to short and snappy very well.

And I’m ‘supposed’ to include photos, but I don’t take very many, so I don’t know where to start with that.

I do a lot of thinking and I’d like to do more writing about it – but first I need to give myself the space to do so (metaphorical space, not physical space). I need to take the advice that people give writers about novels, and I need to write the sort of things I’d like to read. This isn’t a business blog, I don’t need a model, I just need to write and gather a few readers as I go.

Yes, I did say ‘a few readers’ – I’m not looking for a huge readership (but a large adoring fanbase that never finds fault with my writing would be awesome). I would just like to have a few conversations on things that resonate with me.

So, I am going to try to give myself that space, to just be and think and write, to concentrate on the process not the result, and to see where that leads me.

While I’m talking about concentrating on the process, I did manage to get up and do yoga this morning, and it wasn’t even that hard. Oddly, I think it was admitting that it might be a challenge that made it less difficult to get up.

When I finished my yoga, I did 15 minutes of writing, so I had 540 words written before my breakfast. It was a damn good start to a busy but productive day. I plan to write a total of 2000 words today, so I had better write some fiction now.