Have you ever heard of Muscle Man?  What? You haven’t?  Do you live under a rock?

I kid, of course. Muscle Man* is TLG’s fictional superhero.  We’ve been hearing about him for at least a year now.  Not only is he  huge, red and strong (he can lift TWO houses!) but he can do whatever he likes, and he has access to everything TLG can imagine.  As a result, we have a lot of conversations like this:

Mombie: “I’m sorry, darling, but there’s no such thing as the Playstation 52.  They are only up to Playstation 3.”

TLG: “Well, MUSCLE MAN, has a Playstation 52!  And he has all the games for it, too!  And if we go to his house we will be able to play them all and I will win!”

It’s amazing really, Muscle Man can do EVERYTHING, absolutely everything.  And he’s not limited by finances, time or even the laws of physics.  The added bonus is that he ensures that TLG is never wrong.

The Boy: “No, TLG, that’s not how you do it.  You have to jump over the crack.”

TLG: “The Boyyyy, that’s how (insert condescension here) Muscle Man does it.  In Muscle Man’s world, that’s how you do it.”

The Boy: “(loud sigh) FINE, TLG, but we don’t live in Muscle Man’s world.”

I’m sure this is extremely appealing to a four year old who is probably tired of being taught things all the time.  It must be nice to be so very solidly right.

So, I’m thinking of adopting this sort of approach to conversation, just for my own amusement.  I just have to think of a situation that makes my every statement true.  Maybe I can invoke Wonder Woman instead.

*FYI – Muscle Man lives in Toronto.  But not the CITY Toronto, his Toronto is called Muscle Man’s Toronto, but he visits the City of Toronto sometimes.  I have now typed Toronto so often that it has lost all meaning.

I had this great plan for posting my second annual Mother’s Day Meme on Mother’s Day (which would be quite sensible), alas my cold had other plans and I spend the entire weekend lying in bed bemoaning my fate.  Hopefully it is not too unfashionable to post this a day late (you know how I worry about fashion!).

In The Success Principles, Jack Canfield (of the Chicken Soup series fame) says that one important thing to do in business is to focus on what you do best.  I’m paraphrasing here, but, the theory is that you have to find the intersection between the things you do best, the things you enjoy the most, and the things that bring in the most money.  That intersection is your Core Genius, and once you have identified it you are supposed to focus on that thing (or those things) and delegate the rest.

When I read that a few years ago, it reminded me about something I had read in Jennifer Lawler’s Dojo Wisdom for Mothers  – a reminder that you don’t have to be everything to your kid.  If he or she enjoys something that drives you crazy, you can always find someone else to do that actviity while you spend your time doing the things you both enjoy.

That, in turn, got me thinking about core genius in mothering.

To be clear, when Lawler was talking about activities, she wasn’t referring to the daily labours of mothering she wasn’t suggesting that you can ditch all the unpleasant tasks. You will have to do at least some of the toilet training and some of the dsciplining.  But in the midst of all of those necessary tasks there are some that you can choose between and you can always choose to celebrate the tasks you are best at and cut yourself some slack on the rest.

So, it’s hard for you to entertain your kids on a busy day, or you find it a challenge to let them roam as freely as you like. That’s fine, you can either work on those things or accept them (and yourself) as is, whichever your personality dictates. But what is your core genius of mothering? We can’t really talk about mothering in terms of the money it brings in but we can talk about it in terms of the rewards of joy or satisfaction.

My core genius of mothering is communication. I get a lot of satisfaction out of really listening, of making sure as much of the world makes sense to my sons as possible, out of teaching them to communicate effectively verbally an non-verbally. I may suck at home schedules but I TALk to my kids and I LISTEN to them.

And I feel good about that.

So, in the tradition that I started last year this is my second annual mothering meme:

What is your ‘core genius’ of mothering? What is the common theme running through all of your mothering successes? If we were creating some sort of über-franken-mother what part would we take from you?

Tell me about it in the comments or on your own blog or on facebook or hell, even on twitter.

Instead of placing it on the counter properly, I inexplicably laid it right on the edge and it dropped to the floor and the handle broke off.

I’m proud to say that I didn’t curse or freak out, which I might do some days. Instead, I just said ‘Oh, no!’ and bent to pick it up.

I’m even prouder that The Boy came over, asked what happened, and then said ‘I’m really sorry that happened to you, Mommy.’

I sometimes hear a snippy tone from my kids that I recognize from myself and every time that happens I remind myself to breathe before I speak so I can be kinder and clearer. 

Then, other times, I hear the sweetest, most empathetic* thing come out of one of their mouths, like ‘I’m sorry that happened to you, Mommy’ and I recognize that too.  It makes me realize that for all the times I am impatient or short-tempered,  there are more times that I am kind, and gentle, and easy on their feelings. 

I know that I model behaviour for them, and while I might not always do that evenly, I can tell that my empathy is working – it is making them empathetic too.  And I am so damn proud of that.

*For the record,  it takes everything in me not to say ’empathic’ here, like we are all Deanna Troi or something.

This entry is part of a MotherTalk/MomCentral Book Tour for Suzy Welch’s 10-10-10, I received a free copy of the book for review purposes. 

Suzy Welch’s 10-10-10: 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years: A Life-Transforming Idea , to paraphrase various descriptions, is about learning to choose the life we live, acting rather than reacting to changing circumstances.  When faced with a decision, following her 10-10-10 method will guide you to give serious thought to the consequences, rather than just going with your ‘gut.’ 

I joined the MotherTalk/MomCentral book tour for 10-10-10 (and received a free copy!) because I love reading personal development and success books. 

Now, I don’t go in for the Stuart Smalley  ‘You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you!’ type guides, but I enjoy books based on solid guidelines that helped the authors get a better grip on their lives.

Suzy Welch uses lots of examples (from her own life and from other people who use 10-10-10) so the reader can see how the method works in real life** situations, which makes for an enjoyable read.

I like Welch’s writing style, it’s authoritative but friendly at the same time.  And the system that she suggests is very simple.  When you are faced with a decision that matters, instead of going with your highly emotional, reactive, ‘gut’ you should put the decision in your brain by gathering information and doing a 10-10-10: asking yourself about the consequences of your decision in the immediate future (10 minutes), in the short term (10 months) and in the long term (10 years).

My first reaction to this idea was a bit of tension, because I was afraid it was one of those ‘Will this matter in 10 years?’ ways that people use to dismissing someone’s immediate concerns, but that wasn’t the case.  Instead, Welch is suggesting that you develop a fleshed out idea of how the consequences will affect you, not suggesting you write off today’s turmoil because it doesn’t matter. 

In fact, she specifically cautions against focussing too much on any part of the 10-10-10 timeline because all of the time frames matter – this method is about teasing out the big picture, identifying important issues, rather than going with our immediate reactions to situations. 
  
10-10-10 works best when you have a good sense of your own values.  Welch guides you to identify your values* by asking a few specific questions, and then you are supposed to use them to guide your visualization of the outcome of your decision over time.  Will this decision bring you closer to living by your values?  (People often state values differently than they live them, because they are not always conscious of how day-to-day actions add up).

Once you are clear on your values, you can use 10-10-10 to make sure you live as close to them as possible.   When faced with a decision, Welch says to develop a specific question addressing the problem (i.e. Should I accept this job?).  Then gather information*** and use the 10-10-10 structure to imagine what you will feel, and what the impact of your decision will be in:

– 10 mins (How will you feel? How will others feel?  What does it make you think about?)

– 10 months (Will you be settled in? Will things have calmed down?  Will you be closer to living the sort of life you want?).

– 10 years (What path does this decision put you on? Where could your decision lead you?  How will others remember this decision?)

I like the idea of using a framework for making decisions, because in parenting and in writing I often find myself with only vague ideas about why I chose a particular path, or why I feel we *should* choose that one.  That makes it hard to be consistent and hard to explain (and I’m a huge fan of information and explanation****) why I think things should go the way I do.  Using 10-10-10 will help remind me that some of the challenging actions I must take now (not giving in to the whining about video games, for example) are the groundwork for benefits in the future (kids with a variety of interests).

I’ve already helped a friend use 10-10-10 to make an important decision, and the feeling of regret that came over her when she thought about it being 10 months from now and not having taken action was immediately useful to her – and powerful for me because I could see how the thought affected her. I can definitely see myself using the 10-10-10 structure for helping my kids, for making career decisions and for mediating disagreements.

I do have a few suggestions (when do I not?  I am a suggestions queen!). 

I realize that people should read the whole book (or at least most of it) before undertaking 10-10-10 so they would have all the information before starting to use it, but lots of people will probably skim for the action steps.  For that reason, I would have like to see the section about determining values earlier in the book.  To be fair, it IS in the third chapter, which is pretty early, but it felt like I already had many of the tools to use the method by that point and then discovered there was a step before step one.  

Welch mentions values in the first two chapters (she says in chapter 3 that she has already mentioned them five times) but I would have liked for her to reference the upcoming values section in the first two chapters.

I would also like to have a 10-10-10 template included in the book or on her website.  Perhaps a values worksheet and then a form to use to structure the process the first few times you do it.  And a few, leading, thought-provoking questions would be great too. I think that would add great value to the book and help some people cement the process.

 Overall, I think the 10-10-10 method is a very useful framework for decision-making and it could remove a lot of angst from the process of making important changes in your life. 

*And she does this without injecting her own values in there.
**For everything from a discussion with a kid to choosing to relocate for a job
*** Sometimes the 10-10-10 structure helps you gather information, sometimes you need to gather information first and sometimes it helps you realize you need more information before a decision is possible.
****Seriously, I could never, ever, get enough information, not if I had a million years to research a topic.

FYI: This is crossposted with my other blog www.threedeepbreaths.com

I decided yesterday that today was going to be the day that I made decisive steps towards getting the boys more involved in the upkeep of the house, the day I would work alongside them instead of working around them, the day I would alternate writing with engaged activities for each of them.

You can smell the fail from there, can’t you.

My plan was to write for 30 minutes, play for 30 minutes, then get The Little Guy to do some stuff around the house with me (putting laundry away, baking some muffins etc).

Of course, TLG, woke at 5:40 and bugged me for the next hour and a half, wanting to wake his brother and play a video game (not happening!). Then, it was interrogation morning as everyone had intense questions. By the time I sat down to breakfast after The Man and The Boy left, I was already tired.

That’s when The Little Guy went into action, demanding snacks, asking when I was going to play, climbing on me. To put this in perspective, he had already had his breakfast, and he usually watches TV for a while after that. This morning he refused to watch TV, and wanted a new activity every 5 minutes (that is NOT an exaggeration) all while I was trying to work.

Alas, there is no explaining to a 4 year old that there is a good trade for leaving Mommy alone for 30 minutes (he would have gotten 60 plus minutes of uninterrupted Mommytime). So it took me over an hour to get my 30 minutes of work done.

Now I feel all jittery and cranky and I am not at all enthused for the afternoon of activities I had planned.

Perhaps I should have stuck with my usual slackery. 🙂