I’m really struggling with voice here.

When I read some of my old blog entries, I love the way the me of then shines through and I like the things I had to say. For a while there I was juggling so many things and so many competing needs, that I ended up dropping the blogging.

Now I’m afraid of ending up writing dull little blogs about goals without delving into the thinky bits. The thinky bits are the best stuff. Of course, they also tend to be the parts that waver over into territory I don’t want to cover. I want to give my kids (and myself) as much privacy as possible and while I want to talk about mothering, I don’t want to talk about the kids, per se. I want to find that line somewhere. I used to do a decent job on that tightrope before, perhaps it is just a matter of the right umbrella and top hat this time? Note to self: acquire top hat.

I’m also nervous because of how the blogging world has changed (it happens, I’m not knocking it) and how posts are supposed to be short and snappy and fact-filled now. My thoughts don’t translate to short and snappy very well.

And I’m ‘supposed’ to include photos, but I don’t take very many, so I don’t know where to start with that.

I do a lot of thinking and I’d like to do more writing about it – but first I need to give myself the space to do so (metaphorical space, not physical space). I need to take the advice that people give writers about novels, and I need to write the sort of things I’d like to read. This isn’t a business blog, I don’t need a model, I just need to write and gather a few readers as I go.

Yes, I did say ‘a few readers’ – I’m not looking for a huge readership (but a large adoring fanbase that never finds fault with my writing would be awesome). I would just like to have a few conversations on things that resonate with me.

So, I am going to try to give myself that space, to just be and think and write, to concentrate on the process not the result, and to see where that leads me.

While I’m talking about concentrating on the process, I did manage to get up and do yoga this morning, and it wasn’t even that hard. Oddly, I think it was admitting that it might be a challenge that made it less difficult to get up.

When I finished my yoga, I did 15 minutes of writing, so I had 540 words written before my breakfast. It was a damn good start to a busy but productive day. I plan to write a total of 2000 words today, so I had better write some fiction now.

It’s November 2nd, and day two of NaNoWriMo and I am already dealing with some major resistance,

Not resistance to writing, I’m enjoying that, Resistance to the commitment of writing, and of doing yoga – which I have done a grand total of two mornings in a row (at 6:45). It’s not that I don’t want to have a writing routine, nor that I don’t want to do yoga.

And it’s not that I don’t want to develop routines – because I think that’s key to me being much more satisfied with how I operate in my own life *

I think the problem is that I’m not sure I want *this* routine, not sure that I want to commit to getting up at 6:45 for yoga and writing a few thousand words a day. I’m not sure I want to be the type of person who does those things (although I’m fairly sure I want to be the type of person who has that stuff already done – I’m a puzzle!)

But I recognize this. Like I said above, this is the demon resistance, and damn it if I am going to let it slay me. I’ve read the books, I know that the first four days are the hardest – that it takes four days before something goes from ‘ I do that sometimes’ to ‘this is one of the things I do.’ And I don’t take crap from demons, especially piddly little ones like resistance. Resistance can go right back to hell.

Speaking of going back, I’m going back to writing.

*Do you have that going on? I’m not unhappy, in fact I am quite happy most of the time, but I am dissatisfied with my own performance. Not in a perfectionist way either, but in a not taking good enough care of myself, not stretching enough to get my (v. enjoyable) plans and dreams to work properly kind of way. No? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Jolly good then, carry on!

It’s my birthday month!

I’m making decent progress with my arm muscles and I expect I’ll have some more muscle visibility by the end of next week (yay, me!).

But that’s not why I am so happy to see November.

I’m thrilled because this is the month I am teaching myself to consistently work toward my goals instead of setting them and either hoping for the best or piling all the work in at the end.

How am I going to do that? I’m so glad you asked!

The answer is NaNoWriMo (or National Novel Writing Month if you want to be formal). Last year, I wrote my first novel in the month of November. It was exciting and exhilarating, and helped me break a mental barrier about writing a longer piece.  The thing is, though, I wrote the majority of that novel, over 30,000 words, in one weekend.  Sure, that’s a feat in itself, and it’s good to have that skill to pull out when you need it but it’s not a great way to work.

That’s why I am challenging myself to not only write 50, 000 words this month, but to write every day. I want to become one of those people who can pace their work to match their lives, and I want to stop using panic to fuel my work.*

As part of this challenge to myself, I am going to blog every day about writing or about whatever comes up. I’ll warn you now, some of these posts are going to suck,  because, like NaNoWriMo taught me, sometimes you have to let go of the focus on quality so you can just get the work done.  I’m totally letting myself off the hook on the quality front while I get my habits in place.

Allons-y, Alonso, November awaits!

*Consistency: it’s where it’s at.  Or I think it is, I wouldn’t know,

You heard it here first. I will have actual, defined arm muscles by November 10th.

No, I am not going to be in perfect shape by then (seriously, what is perfect shape? I have no idea).  And no, I won’t have my ultimate plan muscles my then, but my arms will be noticeably stronger, and you will be able to see the muscles.

How am I going to do that?

I don’t have the whole plan worked out, because usually once I do that I somehow check it off in my head as done, and then I don’t keep working at it. Soooo, I’m starting with my yoga from Marianne  which helps build nice strong arms and I’m throwing in a regular pattern of arm and shoulder strength training.  Between that, and my Taekwon-do punching practice, I should be well on my way by November.

Yeah, yeah, I know I am supposed to do a full body thing, and I’m working up to that. Arms are just how I’m pulling open that door.

I’m driving myself crazy lately.

“Only lately?” you might ask, and I frown because that’s unkind.  So, let me just say it is worse than normal.

The problem is my juggling act is getting worse.  I have a giant client project* I am working on at the moment but I have a whole bunch of little things for other projects that need to get done and because of the gears problem I mentioned yesterday, I keep blustering ahead on the big project and leaving the little things in low gear (or no gear).

When someone asks about the low gear things, I pick a time that seems reasonable (but has no relation to the amount of work I have to accomplish in the meantime) and say I’ll have the task done by then. Then I go about my business until I remember that task at the last minute and scramble to do it.

See? Crazymaking, no?

But the good news is, I have a plan.

I’m going to start carrying a notebook with me at all times and whenever I think of something I have to do (or someone asks me to do something) I’m going to add it to the list…

“Sure,” you say, “but that’s no improvement.”

That’s when I chide you for your impatience (chide is a great word, no?) and you realize you didn’t let me finish.

I’m going to add it to the list but, BUT, I am not going to commit to a time. The time commitment will have to wait until I get a chance to look at my calendar, see my work time and pick I time I can fit it in.

So here’s the plan

1) find the proper (pocket) notebook

2) create running list

3) when a new to do comes up,  add it to the list but do NOT agree to a time

4) pick a time each day to add to dos to work schedule, cross them off the notebook list as they are added to the schedule

5) email/phone people to tell them when stuff will be ready

6) do the stuff when scheduled

7) feel less overwhelmed

So that’s the plan for this part of the problem. I need a whole different plan for scheduling my work time, but let’s take this one step at a time, hey?

*to clarify, the project is giant, the client is average-size.