ADHD

Letting my brain off its leash

A few weeks ago, I watched a video from the YouTube channel ‘How to ADHD’ about how many people with ADHD have trouble relaxing.

One of Jessica’s comments was that even leisure activities require focus and concentration so when we are tired and need downtime we may not be drawn to a leisure activity because of the energy costs.

Her suggestion was that since we pour so much energy into self-regulation – masking, deciding where to focus, trying to stay focused, keeping quiet etc – our relaxation might come from ‘letting our brains off-leash.’ And just doing whatever our brains want to at that moment.

The comment made sense to me but it really only resonated this morning when I thought, as I often do, “Today, I just want to do everything in the order that makes sense to me.“

While it is tricky for me not to overthink my schedule and commitments, and hard not to ask ‘Is this the right time for that? Would it make sense to do it in a different order?’ sometimes I can manage it.

And when I can, it feels great.

I truly feel relaxed when I don’t have to fight my own thinking patterns – when I put it like that it feels so obvious! – I get lots of thinks done and I get to rest a lot.

I can’t do it every day because my brain can’t be trusted not to prioritize my laundry over a deadline but on days like today when it literally doesn’t matter when I do anything as long as I do it?

It’s so very good.

My brain is a pretzel

Last night I was sneezing a bit and felt stuffed up.

This morning my throat is gravelly.

I didn’t sleep well so I feel a bit groggy.

I kind of want to go back to bed but I have a few non-negotiable things to do this morning.

And this is where my brain gets pretzelly.

What’s really going on here?

Am I having an allergic reaction to something blooming now?

Did my allergies keep me from sleeping well?

Are those two things combining with my general tiredness from yesterday and making me feel unwell?

Am I feeling sniffly and gravelly because I didn’t sleep well?

Or…

Am I coming down with a cold and yesterday’s tiredness was the harbinger?

Or…

Do I have the plague?

I know that, ideally, I would treat all of these things the same way – lots of rest, have lots of water, take it easy – but that’s probably not going to happen.

If I am just sleepy and allergy-ridden, I’ll probably feel better by getting a few things done, by getting my brain in gear.

If I have the plague, I should stay home. (I really don’t think I have the plague, by the way.)

If I have a cold, I can do a few things but I should mostly rest.

One part of me doesn’t want do very much, just in case a chance to nap presents itself. After all, wouldn’t want to be too awake to fall asleep easily.

Another part wants to dive into things, either to see if the feeling passes or to get them out of the way in case I feel worse later.

I know I have to pick something and do it but my brain just seems to want to stay as a pretzel, getting more and more tangled in what if.

Sometimes, I am not sure my brain and I are on the same side.

Pacing myself

So, after thinking my way through how to have fun in the meantime while I’m working on longer projects, I ended up getting way more done yesterday than I would have predicted.

Several of the yard work projects I thought would take a long time actually could be completed fairly quickly even though I was working on them in bits and pieces and taking plenty of breaks.

I did lots of reading and thinking and relaxing yesterday in between short work sessions tidying up the yard and the house and I felt really good about it.

BUT

Once again, I forgot that today comes after yesterday.

After an intense day of doing AllOfTheThings yesterday, I needed to take a closer look at today’s schedule and take things a bit easier.

I didn’t do that.

And despite waking up a bit tired and achy, I really thought I would be able to just dive into my work this morning.

My brain utterly refused to dive in.

So, instead, I have been drinking tea, reading my book, puttering around organizing things, and just generally taking it as easy as I can without giving it too much thought.

And that’s working out just fine. 🙂

I really have to learn to remember that yesterday comes right before today and that today comes right before tomorrow.

That would be very useful to have top-of-mind.

Learning to find more fun in the middle of things

It’s always hard to tell if my approach to things come from ADHD or just my personality.

On the one hand, it doesn’t really matter one way or another, I have to approach things the way I approach them at least until I find a different way that I like better.

But, on the other hand, if my approach frustrates me, it would be useful to know whether it is ADHD or just some habit I picked up along the way or some habit I developed as an adaptation to living with ADHD.

Take for example my approach to getting yard work done today.

I know that my reluctance to get started is due to ADHD so I have developed some workarounds for that – setting clearly defined small tasks that I can quickly check off my list. My brain still resists but I have a fair bit of evidence that this does actually work so most of the time I can coax myself to do the thing.

And I know that my reluctance to stop once I get started is an ADHD thing, a kind of task hyper focus that just wants me to get it the end so I can *really* be done not “just” done for today.

But how about my challenges with ongoing or longer term projects like house or yard maintenance?

Today, for example, I am outside cleaning the yard – raking, getting rid of lawn debris, picking up litter than has blown into my yard.

I can see that my fence and my deck need to be painted and that I should clean up a few things and that the shed needs to be excavated (it’s a way bigger job than just cleaning) and the windows need their trim painted and…you get the idea.

Luckily, my medication lets me know that this isn’t a ‘do a weekend of house repair and you’ll be all set’ kind of thing. (Yes, at one point, my brain would try to convince me of that.)

But I am still left with the feeling that I should try to do all of that stuff as soon as possible and THEN I can relax in the yard.

Simultaneously, I’m also thinking that the weather here is so unpredictable that it would be better to spend the nice days relaxing – that other work will get down when it gets done.

BUT!

I know that unless I make a clear plan about when and how to do something my brain will continuously tell me that it is too much work to get done right now, that I had better leave it until the not now.

So, that can really leave me in a tangle.

It’s hard to get started so I have to make the tasks “worth it” for the energy it takes to get going but I have to plan well enough so I don’t wear myself out trying to do everything at once.

I have to ensure that I don’t leave things too long but I also don’t want to miss out on the best days of summer while I trudge though the house and yard work.

So I am trying to find something in between.

I’m trying to figure out how to plan out my tasks over weekdays and weekends – allowing for weather – while including fun and relaxation in those very same days.

I’m trying NOT to get stuck in ‘Do your work before it slips your mind and have your fun after.’

And I’m trying to avoid ‘You’ll be able to REALLY relax if you get everything done.’

I’m trying to learn how to have more fun in the middle of projects without just ignoring the project altogether.

Let’s see how this goes. 😉

Great in a crisis, defeated by a hassle?

I have always said that it will never be a big thing that defeats me, it will an onslaught on little things.

When a big crisis occurs, my brain automatically puts things in perspective – I can see what’s important and what to brush off, I know how to choose between tasks and ideas, I can prioritize and delegate.

When small hassles occur, especially when they arrive in a group, I get easily overwhelmed and defeated.

This is definitely an ADHD thing but I undoubtedly put my own personal spin on it as well.

One day last week, I was so frazzled by little things that I had to ask my husband to drive me to the drugstore because I wasn’t sure I had the wherewithal to drive. And once I was inside, the collective hassles of the day had my brain so jumbled that I lost track of what I was doing because someone at the other counter had a whiny voice.

Is it ridiculous? Absolutely.

Is it still a problem? Definitely.

You see, knowing that a situation or an issue is affecting me disproportionately does not change my experience, especially in the moment.

I’ve gotten pretty good at saying to friends and family, “I know my stress about this is out of whack but please help me.”

Instead of being hard on myself and instead of getting frustrated by what feels like indifference or sabotage by other people, my ADHD diagnosis has helped me see this as a perception problem and ask for help in a more sensible way.

Some days, though, no amount of help will help.

Yesterday, I just had one tiny thing after another happen to me – to the point that my husband and I were joking that someone had cursed me – and I couldn’t seem to get a grip on things at all.

I’m sure part of the problem was that my back was wonky so I had a low frustration tolerance but mostly it was a string of annoying coincidences.

I gave up on trying to move forward. I took a bath and then lay down to read for a while.

It kind of felt like being defeated by hassles but I prefer to think of it as a strategic retreat.

Gotta choose your battles, right?