Mombie – a bit of everything

A short list

Things that are helping me to feel better these days:

1. Writing posts about my grief on the blog at Fit is a Feminist Issue – post 1 and post 2

2. Following through on the items on my Todoist list. Following through might mean doing them (at the very least there are 5 or 6 personal items I have done daily), it might mean delegating them, or it might mean rescheduling them. Either way, looking at my lists keeps the days from blending into one another.

3. Walking the dog

4. Talking to friends – whether we talk about what’s in my head or what’s in theirs, it’s all good.

5. Accepting that some days will be trickier than others and that’s just how these things go.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday was a pretty good day but I didn’t sleep well last night and today is really hard.

My walk with Khalee helped a bit.

A photo of a shallow river in early spring.
A sunny day photo of a shallow river with lots of exposed stones, surrounded by winter-worn grass and bare trees.

I assume things will keep going like this for a long time and I just have to remember that there will be more peaceful days ahead.

Feeling Peaceful This Morning

Now that all of the formal mourning is behind me, the decisions and the wake and the funeral, I have a sense of peace about everything.

I’m sad and I’m tired and I can’t really fathom that I’ll never be able to make my Dad laugh again.

Making my Dad laugh wasn’t hard but it felt like a victory every time.

But still, I feel peaceful.

I did what I could when I could.

I helped everyone say goodbye in a fitting way.

And I loved my Dad completely, even when he was frustrating me.

So, even as I work to get used to life without him, I can feel at ease about the time we had together.

I just wish there had been more of it.

So Tired

After my week of busy sadness, I am too tired today to write much of anything so here is a picture of our family’s lizard Moreekow.

This is an old photo, but I love how ‘over it’ he looks

A gecko on his belly in a terrarium
Moreekow, a leopard gecko, lies on his belly with his chin on his water dish.

Disoriented and Sad

My Dad died on Saturday.

I couldn’t say anything before because we wanted to contact all our relatives first.

I mean, the chances that any of them would see this blog are practically zero but still.

Dad had been unwell for a long time but I honestly thought he would go on forever, perhaps getting more and more frail and more and more curmudgeonly but hanging on despite all odds.

But I was wrong.

And now I feel like I misunderstood something fundamental about the world and I haven’t quite recalibrated yet.

It is positively disorienting.